7 Bad Stories from the Comics That the Mcu Could Adapt Since Nothing Matters Anymore After ‘Secret Invasion’

Marvel’s Secret Invasion returned viewers to a simpler era of superhero shows, back when they were boring and not very good. It’s not worth re-litigating the decisions that were made – the internet has made it clear that things will never be the same, that the damage is done. War Machine was an alien for a little while. You just can’t come back from that.

And maybe we shouldn’t have to. Maybe this is just what the MCU is now: disappointing comic book stories turned into even more disappointing comic book TV shows. We had a good run, but it’s time to accept that the best days are behind us. That the greatest yarns from Marvel Comics have already been spun into memorable live-action sweaters. That it’s time to give the comics that nobody likes their turn in the spotlight. 

And so, we turn a hopeful eye to the future of the MCU, and to the backlog of garbage that they could film next. 

7: Ultimatum

The holy grail of bad editorial judgment. The perennial taker of the top spot in terrible comic book movie lists. Have you ever wanted to see Benedict Cumberbatch’s face herniating, or Michelle Pfeifer getting eaten by a large man who is then, in turn, eaten by Michael Douglas? If you have, there’s probably a helpline that you should get in touch with. In the interim, there’s Ultimatum. 

A narrative fireworks show designed by a franchise arsonist, Ultimatum was designed to shake things up in Marvel’s Ultimate universe. Cliff’s Notes: Magento got mad and shifted the Earth’s magnetic poles, doinking with the tides and splashing lots of stuff with water. Wolverine died. So did Professor X. And Magneto. And Cyclops. And Angel, Daredevil, Thor, Juggernaut, Beast, the Blob, Hank Pym, Doctor Strange, most of Manhattan, the nation of Latveria, and Dazzler. They tried to kill Spider-Man, but it didn’t stick, and the little guy got a stay of execution that lasted just over two years. The Thing got bummed out and squished Doctor Doom’s head like he was half-heartedly wringing out a loofa. 

Why did it happen? Shock value. 

Would it make a good movie? No.

Who should direct it? Roland Emmerich. 

6: That time when the X-Men threw subtlety (and theology) out the window

You know how right after Star Wars came out, a suspicious number of movies started popping up featuring scrappy teams of space underdogs trying to blow up evil superweapons? How you could see that a lot of them came from a place of enthusiasm and love for the genre, but they just didn’t have the chops to make it work? X-Men sort of did that to itself 20 years ago. The movies made a super loose adaptation of the classic “God Loves, Man Kills” story, and the comics made a TransMorphers ripoff of the same thing to cash in.

Chuck Austin’s 2003 X-Men two-parter, “Holy War,” sort of reads like Jack Chick got to work at Marvel Comics for a week as part of a flubbed Make-A-Wish. It opens boldly with a bunch of mutants crucified on the lawn of the X-Mansion, then ramps up hard to the revelation that religious extremists wanted Nightcrawler to become the pope because he looks like the devil. In a very “Step Three: Profit” approach to planning, the bad guys figured that this would cause civilization to collapse, and make mutants even more hated and feared than they are on any other given Wednesday. Also, both issues feature a lot of talk about how Nightcrawler can’t keep it in his leotard. A lot of talk.

Crucifixion, horny mutants, and the Vatican. Basically, it’s fun, but will it play in Poughkeepsie? Drop $200 million on the big-screen adaptation and find out, Disney, you cowards.