7 Couples on How Sleeping in Separate Beds Saved Their Relationship

To sleep and wake up beside someone is undoubtedly an intimate act. There you are side-by-side during that nocturnal journey. But it can also be one of extreme frustration, as sharing a bed with another body can confront you with a host of relationship-damaging, sleep-disrupting scenarios that only grow more maddening as the years progress. Ear-shredding snores. Differences in temperature or sound preference. Middle-of-the-night rib kicks. Early risers who rumble the bed and when they exit. The list goes on. Given the extreme importance of getting a good night’s sleep and all the restorative benefits rest provides, it’s unsurprising that, according The National Sleep Foundation, roughly 12 percent of married couples have agreed to enforce what’s known as a “sleep divorce” and retreat to separate beds at night.

While the idea of a sleep divorce carries with it an undeniable stigma — after all, we’ve all been led to believe that sharing a bed is an absolute must in a loving relationship — sleeping in separate beds or rooms is often a logical remedy for dealing with mismatched sleep schedules or the resentment that can stem from sleep-deprivation. It can also make sure couples wake up on the right side of the bed more often.

“Sleep is foundational to our overall health and wellness, and sharing a bed with someone who moves a lot, snores, or is otherwise disruptive to your sleep is detrimental to that critical time where your brain and body are restoring themselves,” says Licensed marriage and family therapist Laurel Roberts-Meese. “If you insist on sleeping in the same bed because you believe doing otherwise means your relationship is in trouble, and the result is both of you are more tired and irritable, you might actually cause more conflict and disconnect.”

Of course, the assumed issues inherent with sleeping separately are understandable. For couples who rely on the eight hours of physical proximity that sleeping in the same bed provides, a valid concern might be: how will we stay close?

“There’s no evidence that sleeping in the same bed creates closeness and intimacy that can’t otherwise be cultivated,” adds Roberts-Meese. “The bottom line is that you need to do what is best for your sleep hygiene and not worry that it means more than valuing your sleep.”

Couples who sleep in separate beds do so for their own personal reasons and often create rituals to ensure that intimacy is not ignored. We spoke to seven people who have all embraced the benefits of sleeping in separate beds. Each have their reasons, and all spoke to the pros and cons of their arrangements. Here are some ways they made it work, some problems they’ve faced, and plenty of thoughts to sleep on if your marriage is a little sleep-deprived.

1. We Didn’t Want To Be Exhausted And Resentful Of Each Other Anymore

“My husband and I both love our personal space. We learned this early on in our relationship, and have made a point to keep it a priority throughout our marriage. That’s led us to sleeping in separate beds. When we first got married, we tried to sleep in the same bed, and we did get discouraged when it seemed like it was going to be an issue. We didn’t want to be that ‘weird’ couple who slept in separate beds. Then we realized, we’d much rather not be that weird couple who argued because they were exhausted or resentful toward each other for sleeping unpredictably. So we just said, ‘screw it’, and got separate beds. We love it. Personally, I love knowing I have my own bed to melt into at the end of a long day. We look forward to kissing each other goodnight, and kissing each other good morning. And we’re able to enjoy all of those things because we’ve gotten to genuinely recharge in our own personal beds.” — Amanda, 42, Ohio

2. We Were Sleeping So Poorly That We Thought: What Do We Have To Lose?

“As I’ve gotten older, my back has betrayed me. I used to wake up every morning in pain, and barely able to move. That went on for almost a year until I spoke with my doctor who suggested getting an adjustable orthopedic mattress. So, we did, and then my wife was miserable. It was actually that same doctor who suggested separate beds as a way for both of us to be comfortable while we slept. Initially, we weren’t fans of the idea. We wondered how it would affect our marriage. But we realized that sleeping so poorly was already doing that. So, what did we have to lose? Luckily, neither of us snores or keeps the other one awake, so we can still be in the same room, stay comfortable, and both sleep pretty soundly. Sometimes it feels a little strange, I’ll admit, but I think it also makes us miss being close to each other. We try to make up for that during the day, and our marriage has never been better.” — Jack, 56, Florida