Hate Your Partner's Friends? Here's What to Do

DEAR DR. JENN,

My boyfriend of two years is an amazing guy. He is smart, successful, and treats me really well. But I hate his friends and who he becomes when he's around them. They have a total frat boy mentality when they get together. I could see a future with this guy, but not with those friends. What should I do? — Friend Hater

DEAR HATER,

It sounds like your boyfriend's friends are relics of a more juvenile past. Perhaps you bring out the best in him and have helped him mature over the last two years. It's always difficult when we have a partner whose friends make us uneasy and bring out the worst in them. This forces us to face sides of our partner that we may want to overlook or are in denial about. No one is perfect, and we all have sides of our personality that we can improve upon.

That said, there are a few things you can do.

1. Take a deep dive.

Really examine what it is about his friends that you don't like. Do they bring out a fun side of him that you have repressed in yourself? Do you have any unconscious biases against them? I once had an acquaintance who hated one of her girlfriend's close friends after she learned that the friend had helped her girlfriend hide a cheating incident from her ex. My friend was scared that her girlfriend would cheat on her, too. Her issue was really with her girlfriend, not her girlfriend's pal.

2. Don't give ultimatums.

Telling your guy that it's them or you is not a good idea. Even if he chooses you, he will likely feel resentful that you made him abandon his support system, and this high-pressure, controlling approach is likely to backfire in the long run. Not to mention, it shows a lack of respect for his autonomy, which is not healthy for any relationship.