I'm Embarrassed to Try Oral Sex

DEAR DR. JENN,

I’m reluctant to let my boyfriend go down on me, mainly because I’m self-conscious about my vagina. I don’t like the way it looks, and I’m worried about how it smells. Is that normal? —Fears About Down Under

DEAR DOWN UNDER,

You’re not alone. Society gives women a lot of negative messages about their lady parts. Feminine hygiene is a multi-billion dollar business invested in providing women with sanitary options, yes, but also in making women think the natural smell of their vaginas is unacceptable. Despite the fact that doctors recommend against using them, internal cleansers, like the douche and intimate spray, are the fastest-growing product category in the industry. Meanwhile, labiaplasties — surgeries to alter the appearance of the vulva — are on the rise and fast. Between 2014 and 2015, there was an 80 percent increase in the number of young women who got the procedure done.

Little girls are often told not to touch themselves or that their vaginas are dirty, and I suspect that this contributes to the reason why boys masturbate more than girls do. In my clinical experience, I’ve found that boys tend to be fascinated by their genitals, while girls are at best ambivalent and at worst grossed out by their own.

That brings me to vagina language. I can think of dozens of names for a penis that are not only acceptable but that people would probably feel comfortable saying out loud on the street. I’m struggling to think of one for women’s privates. (Talk to me when a story about Big Pussy Energy gets shared on people’s Facebooks.) Researchers have also found important reasons to educate young girls about the proper, clinical terms for their genitals, including making sexual abuse less likely and equipping children with the language to report inappropriate behavior. But there’s another, even more obvious reason to: If a daughter is taught that “vagina” is a bad word, it reasons that she’ll think a vagina is a bad thing.

Vagina shaming doesn’t end with girlhood; many men are quick to reinforce those feelings throughout a woman’s adulthood. If you haven’t read OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunther’s New York Times op-ed about what happened when she wrote about an ex-boyfriend who was critical of her vagina smell — spoiler: men bombarded her with degrading insults about her vagina and how to “improve” it — read it. And then there’s porn and grooming. It’s not surprising that watching a bleached or waxed, surgically altered, and perfectly lit vag in action can drive women to be self-critical. The current trend of fully or mostly shaven privates puts all our “flaws” out in the open; when a big bush was in, who even realized that their vulvas looked any different from the next girl’s?

But these are all relics of the philosophy that women’s pleasure should be a source of shame and judgment. At the risk of sounding like I'm about to make you do a trust circle, I want you to learn to love your vagina — and your vulva, the visible, exterior part of the vagina that most people are talking about when they say "vagina." Embracing this very feminine part of your body is crucial to embracing your sexuality, womanhood, and self. In order to have a healthy sense of identity, and a thrilling sex life, you need to get acquainted with all of you.

So what can you do to fall in love with your vulva? I have a few suggestions:

1. Study the female anatomy

Sure, you know what a clitoris is. But what else do you know about your magical triangle and all that is connected to it? Do you know where your mons pubis is? How about your perineal area? We fear what we don’t know, and gaining a better understanding of the layout of your vulva will remove some of that mystery. Take a close look at an anatomy diagram of the external female reproductive system, and while you’re at it take a glance at the internal stuff too.

2. Look at other vulvas

First of all, know that you’re looking at a vulva, which is often incorrectly referred to as the vagina. Research has shown that 50 percent of women don’t know what a “normal” vulva looks like, and 15 percent haven’t seen another vulva since those terrible sex-ed video tapes. Understanding that vulvas come in all different shapes, forms, and shades will help you accept yours. As I mentioned earlier, a lot of porn is not the best place to see what a real-life vag looks like due to the alterations and lighting. Instead, check out a site like Labia Library to see what the real thing looks like. Keep in mind, we don’t tend to be perfectly symmetrical down there. Having an uneven labia or labia minora that extends outside (a vaginal “outie”) is very common.