If You're Considering a Threesome You Should Read This First

Featured image credit: Zoolander/Paramount

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to take a look inside the taboo world of sexual fetishes. I spoke to loads of people about their kinks and experienced a world that I've never even thought about before. From the feedback I received, I found out that a lot of people don't consider threesomes a 'sexual fetish'. More like something 'you just do'. This intrigued me.

According to The Great British Sex Survey, threesomes are the fourth most popular fetish in the UK. They're something that is featured regularly in porn, TV shows and even movies (American Pie 2, Zoolander etc) so maybe we've become desensitised to them as a 'fetish' per se?

After realising the sheer popularity of threesomes as a fantasy, I decided to research it - a LOT. I sent out a request for people's stories and I was inundated with tales (both good, bad and in some cases I'm pretty sure imaginary) of their sexual exploits.

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I asked them all the same thing, what advice would you give someone who's thinking about taking part in a threesome? The responses were wildly varied. But if you're thinking of getting involved in one... please read this.

If one person is single and the others are a couple - be careful.

A common theme from the responses I received was that if there's a couple and a singleton involved... it can get messy.

Darren* said: "I had an experience with a friend and his girlfriend at the time. For one reason or another (most probably the alcohol) we engaged in a threesome. It seemed like a great idea, and being young and impressionable we thought it was a 'cool' thing to do.

"It immediately got awkward and felt like a betrayal. The boyfriend stopped the situation after a short period of time and left the room. I can't blame his reaction and in hindsight I'd have walked away before it even began. The notion of being sexually adventurous with multiple people at the same time requires you to first understand fidelity. The commitment of the two people was ruined by the third - me. It's something I bury and forget, but it's a nice reminder to think before you act."

Another guy, Pete* agreed. He added: "Threesomes are fuckin' awesome, but only if everyone is totally on board with it. Any jealousies of the slightest in anyone involved can get awkward. Luckily, I was the single party so I was having fun."

Arnie*, a gay man, had a threesome with two other guys. He also had a word of warning for anyone with jealousy issues. He said: "There's something really sexy about seeing your partner enjoying themselves with someone else and they're a good way to explore being sexually adventurous without actually having to have sex that's in any way adventurous. Like, the mechanics of the sex are the same whether it's a three-way or not, you feel me? However, downside wise, it definitely made my ex feel really paranoid and suspicious. He was always like 'you like the other guy more than me' which obviously could be an issue.

"I wouldn't recommend having a three-way unless you're REALLY confident in your relationship and you don't have any self-confidence issues. It's a great way to experience having sex with someone else without cheating on your partner, which was always good for me because I definitely felt a little... repressed in my former relationship."

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Sarah* is now engaged to be married and has left her days of casual sex behind her. However, she too experienced her partner's jealousy, even though they weren't involved in the threesome. She explained: "I used to be really into casual sex and would get a buzz out of not knowing their name and the more random the circumstances the better. The threesome was the epitome of that.

"It did cause a bit of tension in subsequent relationships, my ex was really jealous I'd had a threesome and put a lot of pressure on me to find a girl I liked so we could hook up. My fiancé now hasn't asked so I've not told him, but from my one experience (all about the sex, orgasms, physicality) I couldn't behave like that with a partner I love."

Clean yo junk for fuck's sake.

Louise* a bi-sexual woman is currently in an open relationship with her partner. However, they have agreed that she can only sleep with women - not men. Now, they tend to do it together. However, before they met, she engaged in group sex and had this story to tell: "Once I had a foursome with me, a girl and two men. I can remember one of the men smelt that bad that me and the girl completely avoided him and just had sex with the other guy.

"He smelt like really bad BO. It was disgusting. No way was I going to see what down there smelt like."

I can't believe I even have to say this, but before you have sex with ANYONE - make sure you're clean. As Louise states, you could be left out of any group sex activity otherwise. Plus, it's just polite. And, you know, normal.

If you're not confident in your sexual ability, hold off.

For some people, the only thing putting them off having a threesome is the idea of having to sexually satisfy two people at the same time. I imagine this is much more of an issue for men than it is for women. Orlanda* took part in a threesome when she was in university. Sadly, it didn't work out as she'd planned. She said: "I once had one with my best mate and a German exchange student. The latter was living in student digs at the time so we took it back to his.

"Logistically, it was impossible. Absolute nightmare. He'd obviously never experienced anything like it before so didn't know what to do, how to share himself out.. I ended up sitting on the edge of the bed basically on my phone in my pants while those two got it on. Didn't even get any acknowledgement for being such a good sport. No 'aw you tried' trophy. Pfft. Never again."

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It's not like porn.

I also spoke to Andreas* who warned against any prior expectations from porn: "Only ever done two girls and a guy rather than two guys and a girl. I'd say it's not what it's lived up to be.

"The hype is that 'oh the girls will just go wild' like it's been hyped in pornography but it's far from that. The foreplay for the guy is just doubled and you have to keep yourself from finishing for twice as long.

"In summary, it's not like the porn films make it out to be."

Jordan* also had certain expectations from porn: "I tried doing the whole 'keeping it in the family' style from Pornhub but that was way too difficult when having to concentrate on two things at once. I then tried taking it in turns with the girls but then I felt as though one of the girls would be feeling left out.

"It was a hell a lot of pressure trying to satisfy two girls... I struggle with one! I constantly felt as though I wasn't good enough and the girls (who were best friends) were just laughing at me.

"To conclude, I'd try it again, just to make sure the first time wasn't just so terrible because it was the first."

Evenly distribute the 'work' as much as you can.

Mikael* is a straight guy but has been involved in both MMF (male, male, female) and MFF (male, female, female) threesomes. Sadly, both were wildly different experiences. He said: "My first one was terrible; it was with a girl and one of my guy mates. He finished in all of 30 seconds whilst attempting to put me off and I had to do all the work so we didn't let the side down.

"My second was amazing. It was with two girl mates who both said they wanted to try it and we're still really close friends so no awkwardness. They were great."

Make sure you're comfortable with the people you do it with.

Louise* from earlier warned against meeting people on the internet. She said: "Just be careful if you meet people online who are not always what they seem! Such as the girl who told me she loved me and wanted to marry me and stuff and we had only met and had sex once."

Agreeing why you're doing it first is a good idea.

If you're planning on getting involved in a threesome, you need to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. John* has been involved in several threesomes in the past, some MMF some FFM. He said that for the most-part they are enjoyable... as long as you pre-plan and agree that 'fun is the main thing on the agenda'. He added: "Threesomes can be fun as long as there are no feelings involved, it's easy for someone to get hurt if it's not just about the sex."

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So, all in all, I feel like threesomes are a positive experience, as long as the cards are all out on the table. The main issue is when someone's feelings get hurt. That's not a predicament you want to be in.

If you're thinking of taking part in one, make sure you check out all of this advice. These people have got through this fetish and lived to tell the tale. The least you can do is learn from their mistakes.

*All names have been changed to protect identities.

Words by Mel Ramsay

Topics: Sex