What Is Gaslighting? Signs Your Partner Is Gaslighting You

DEAR DR. JENN,

Generally speaking, my partner is really caring and we have a lot of fun together, but lately I've been feeling worn down. Whenever I reference things that have happened in our relationship, he tells me I'm imagining things and am wrong. He also accuses me repeatedly of things I know I haven't done. It's making me question my own memories and causing me to doubt myself. I've heard the term 'gaslighting' thrown around and I feel like it might be happening to me too, but I'm not sure. Am I too deep in love to see that I'm being manipulated? —In a Fog

DEAR IN A FOG,

The term 'gaslighting' gets thrown around a lot, so much so that it was declared the word of year by Merriam-Webster after 2022 saw a 1740% increase in searches for the term. "In this age of misinformation—of “fake news,” conspiracy theories, Twitter trolls, and deepfakes—gaslighting has emerged as a word for our time," the publishing company explained.

Here's a breakdown of what it actually means to be 'gaslit' — plus some ways to know if it's happening in your romantic relationships.

So, what is gaslighting?

Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one’s own advantage.” Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that undermines the recipient's reality and is meant to leave them insecure and unsure of themself.

Over time, gaslighting will wear you down and erode your self-confidence. When someone is gaslighting you, it creates a fog of uncertainty and self-doubt. (For what it's worth, what you have described that your partner is doing sounds like classic gaslighting.)

Gaslighting can happen on a one-time basis ('situational gaslighting') and some may chalk it up to a heated or emotional conversation gone awry. (See, the debate around The Bachelorette and whether or not Greg was really being emotionally manipulative or gaslighting Katie — or just being emotional.) But it sounds like what you're describing is a continual pattern of behavior — aka ongoing gaslighting. This is considered a form of emotional abuse and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Where does the term 'gaslighting' come from?

The phrase 'gaslighting' comes from the 1944 movie Gas Light in which Gregory, played by Charles Boyer, attempts to make his wife Paula, played by Ingrid Bergman, question her own reality. In a key scene, he makes the gas lights in the house flicker and when Paula asks why the light is flickering, he tells her it is not really happening and that it is all in her mind. This is part of his master plan of lies, deceptions, and misdirects.

When you are in a relationship with someone who was gaslighting you, much like Paula, you can feel confused and start to doubt yourself — and there are some classic techniques that you should know about.