What It Really Means to Be Genderfluid — and the Strange Way It Affects Your Romantic Relationships

By Leah Peterson

The saying “gender is between the ears and sexuality is between the legs” is easy to remember, but too simplistic. Your gender is whatever you feel and believe it is.

You can’t do your gender wrong. You don’t have to prove it to anyone. Often, a person will want to make outward changes to how they look if the gender they feel is different than what they were born with, but not always.

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Believing in a gender binary, where only “men” and “women” exist, has created a stifling system where personality traits are attributed to one gender or the other. This ignores the vast intersections where male, female, and non-binary characteristics exist, co-mingle, and crossover.

What’s wrong with a man crying and being sensitive? What’s wrong with a man in a dress? What’s scary about a woman who is strong and capable and assertive? Nothing but what we’ve made it be, and it’s all arbitrary. 

You express your gender in your clothing, attitude, energy, and how you fit in with a community. If I can indulge in some generalizations for a moment, you see it when some butch women cut their hair short, wear masculine clothing, and enter a room as if they own it.

You see it when some transwomen carefully apply makeup, wear feminine clothing, and enter a room hoping others notice them. And you see it when some gay men dress sharp and dapper, aren’t afraid of their bubbly personalities, and enter a room loud and unafraid to show off.

Gender is in everything we believe about ourselves and show the world. 

Sexuality is more than what’s between your legs

The sex parts you were born with may or may not fit you.

We are quick to think we understand so much about another human based on if they have breasts or a penis or both or neither. But sexuality is so much more than just what resides between your legs.

Sexuality is hormones and scents and hair and ideas and the timber of your voice. It’s how you feel when you get turned on. It’s the chemistry that occurs when you’re close to someone you’re attracted to. And sometimes, the sexual parts of your body are the very least of it. 

Throughout a single day, I will most likely fluctuate between masculine to androgynous to feminine to butch and back again. Sometimes, who I’m with affects how I present and how I feel.

And other times, I am how I am, regardless of who I interact with. Being okay with that has been one of the biggest hurdles to accepting myself. 

I’ve learned to stop talking about myself with an implied apology. “Don’t even look at my clothes,” I’d say when I ran into a female friend. “I just threw something on this morning” — because I was suddenly embarrassed that I was wearing jeans and hadn’t put on makeup. But when I left the house feeling distinctly "dude" that morning, makeup was the last thing on my mind. 

Giving yourself and others permission to simply be however they feel moment to moment is a huge gift. It removes the need to justify or explain anything.

It also acts as an inclusive behavior where all people feel welcome, regardless of if they are presenting the same as how they were earlier that day or even last week. 

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Let's talk about a genderfluid body

Sometimes, I forget I have breasts. Sometimes, I miss the penis I have never had. And sometimes, as my girlfriend says, I mistake my period starting for possibly bleeding from my butt because I forget I have periods.

It can feel jarring or condescending when someone tells me I’m beautiful or pretty or lovely. Sometimes I like being told I look handsome, but it can feel like an insult if I’m feeling feminine on the inside.

Giving compliments to a genderfluid individual based on physical appearance can feel like a field of landmines. Merely saying, “I’m very attracted to you,” can go a long way. 

Try moving away from appearance-based observations as compliments. Someone telling me I’m beautiful isn’t nearly as meaningful as someone noticing how hard I worked on a project or how I navigated writing about a tricky subject or telling me I seem stronger or happier than the last time we spoke.

Engaging with a genderfluid person on a deeper level than appearance will mean so much more to them and help them feel accepted and seen.